Breakdown of TV Drama Plots

38%: Cops.

34%: Lawyers.

27%: Doctors.

1%: Original Ideas.

Lies People Tell Themselves

1) I'm just doing this to put myself through college.

2) My children mean the world to me.

3) That was a fun movie.

4) Oh yeah, I can taste the fruit in this one.

5) That's a beautiful work of art.

6) Looking back on my life, I wouldn't change a thing.

Five Actual Tom Petty Lyrics, and Two Made Up Lyrics

1) Some things are over, some things go on.

2) It's alright if you love me, it's alright if you don't.

3) He's a self-made man, he did it on his own.

4) We were young, not yet old.

5) You're for me, I'm for you.

6) But what comes up must come down.

7) You got me babe, I got you.

Most Likely Causes of Death for Billionaires

1) Inheritance conspiracy plot.

2) Malfunctioning robot-servant attack.

3) Head trauma from diving into a pool of gold coins.

4) Defeated in battle while trying to save crime-infested city from super villains.

5) Dying the same way they made their fortune: wrestling gorillas.

6) Peasant uprising.

Top Dream Jobs (By Age)

Five years old: Astronaut.

Eleven years old: Basketball player.

Eighteen years old: Indie Musician.

Twenty-two years old: Tattoo artist.

Thirty years old: Upper management executive.

Forty years old: Whatever that guy Dave in payroll does.

Fifty years old: Retiree.

Seventy-five years old: Person who is still alive in ten years.

Least Successful Methods Of Getting A Date

1) Donating kidney to a single woman on the transplant waiting list.

2) Letting an extremely rare Magic card drop out of your pocket, slowly picking it up and saying, "Oh, how clumsy of me."

3) Having your therapist vouch for you.

4) Bragging about your Halo kill/death ratio.

5) Joining the army to prove to her dad that you aren't a no-good slacker.

6) Being yourself.

Presidentially Declared "Days of Infamy"

1) December 7th, 1941: Japan attacks Pearl Harbor.

2) April 13th, 1823: James Monroe's wife makes his turkey sandwich with mayonnaise instead of mustard.

3) September 22nd, 1968: LBJ's best friend, Frank, borrows the president's golf clubs without asking first.

4) March 18th, 1872: A DC area bartender won't accept Grant's twenty dollar bill because it's, "too crinkled."

5) January 30th, 1992: Bush's dry cleaner loses the president's favorite pair of slacks.

Expectation For Your Life (By Age)

Five Years Old: "I'm going to be rich and famous."

Fifteen Years Old: "Maybe I won't be rich and famous, but I'm going to make a difference in the world."

Twenty Years Old: "Maybe I won't make a difference in the world, but surely I'm going to be successful."

Forty Years Old: "Maybe I wasn't a huge success, but my kids will be."

Sixty Years Old: "Maybe my kids weren't all that successful, but at least my best years are still ahead of me."

Seventy Years Old: "Maybe they weren't the best years, but nevertheless, I'm going to live happily in this house for the rest of my life."

Eighty Years Old: "Maybe I was forced into an old folk's home, but my grand kids will come visit me here all the time."

The 8 Rules of Celebrating Christmas

1) If you did it ten years ago, you damn well better do it every year.

2) Don't forget to argue about what traditions you're forgetting. Arguing is an important tradition.

3) Drink eggnog even if you don't like it. Christmas isn't about enjoying traditions, it's about pretending you enjoy traditions.

4) No Christmas music before December 1st or after December 25th, punishable by death.

5) Don't mention gift giving to anyone who you aren't sure if you're supposed to get a gift for. Pray they do the same.

6) A song isn't a Christmas song just because it mentions winter or being cold. Those could be January songs, for all we know.

7) Utilize the back of the tree for those ugly ornaments that your aunt sent you, but no one is brave enough to throw out.

8) If you're quoting A Christmas Story, just say the line, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." That's the funniest line in the movie, and people will appreciate your sense of humor when you quote it.

Top 8 Most Important Aspects Of A Successful Punk Song

1) Mention how consumerism is dumb. Trust me, it sells records.

2) You don't care what anyone thinks about your music. Make sure they're aware of it.

3) If at all possible, yell the same three words at least ten times in a row.

4) Highlight how different the punk scene is from other groups by talking about how much you drink. After all, no one else drinks.

5) Taxi Driver is a cool movie. Maybe throw in a reference to it somewhere in the middle of the song.

6) Have the guy with all the tattoos sing, the guy wearing the tie play drums, and the guy who never smiles on the bass.

7) Punk music is very serious. If you aren't taking yourselves too seriously, you will let down your fans.

8) Sing about how you're opposed to war. Most people love war, so it's nice to take an unpopular stand that will make them think.

Top 12 State Mottos

1) Georgia: You can see beautiful, sunny Florida from our border.

2) Montana: Not named after the quarterback, but he's probably flown over here before.

3) Colorado: Some kid from your second grade class moved here.

4) California: As seen on TV.

5) New York: Named after the popular city.

6) Utah: Now accepting US currency.

7) Virginia: Where all your wildest dream come true... as long as they're all about driving a long distance to eat at a crowded Cracker Barrel.

8) Indiana: What's the worst that could happen?

9) Arizona: No, that's New Mexico you're looking at. Move your finger over a bit.

10) Delaware: Home of The University of Delaware.

11) North Dakota: If you heard about our many tourist attractions, you heard wrong.

12) Texas: Everything's bigger in Texas. Especially the shame of living here.

The 8 Best Excuses For Being Late To Work

1) Thought we were in China, so was like, 20 hours behind.

2) Had to make a stop at the strip club to pick up my wallet.

3) Was under the impression I could show up whenever I wanted to.

4) Had to touch the doorknob and car door 180 times each.

5) Took a long time debating whether or not to bring a gun and go on shooting spree, decided against it for the time being.

6) Got distracted by how much I hate my job.

7) It was raining in Utah, and I was worried it might carry over here.

8) Yeah? Well you try carrying this monkey everywhere!

The Top 8 "Is It Just Me Or..."

1) Did that garbage can just whistle the theme to "Cheers?"

2) Is there a little extra gravity today?

3) Is this house trying to kill us?

4) Does everyone carry a lifetime supply of ketchup in their briefcase?

5) Did y'alls orphan stop breathing, too?

6) Does classical music give everyone gas?

7) Was that genie just a naked guy with a lamp?

8) Did this cult jump the shark for the rest of you?

7 Obscure Magazines That May Actually Exist

1) Soda Aficionado

2) Sunscreen Enthusiast Monthly

3) Professional POG Player

4) Bulgarian-American Housewives Today

5) Modern Mousetrap Mechanic

6) The Official "Eli Stone" Magazine

7) Popular Pockets and Zippers Weekly

10 Great Band Names That Are Still (Probably) Available

1) No Socks in Russia

2) Cultural PowerBall

3) Jenga Suicide Pact

4) 8 Kids From The 80s

5) The Attention Whores

6) The In Crowd

7) UFB (Unidentified Funky Band)

8) Hold The Pickles

9) Spare Change

10) The Robotic Jimmy Stewarts

Top 6 Fake Health Conditions

1) Erronious Anorexia Syndrome: Where your friends all tell you you're anorexic, but really they're just jealous that you're so thin and attractive.

2) MAIDS: Like AIDS, but for midgets.

3) Pyroarthritis: Where your bones feel like they're on fire because you've had such a long day at work, and why the hell is there so much traffic at 7:30 at night for God's sake!?

4) Chronic Aminodigylcacidicism: Too horrifying to explain.

5) MichaelJacksonitis: Where you are Michael Jackson.

6) I'm Not Mad, I'm Just Disappointed Cow Disease: Like "Mad Cow" disease, but only affects mothers.