Top 12 State Mottos

1) Georgia: You can see beautiful, sunny Florida from our border.

2) Montana: Not named after the quarterback, but he's probably flown over here before.

3) Colorado: Some kid from your second grade class moved here.

4) California: As seen on TV.

5) New York: Named after the popular city.

6) Utah: Now accepting US currency.

7) Virginia: Where all your wildest dream come true... as long as they're all about driving a long distance to eat at a crowded Cracker Barrel.

8) Indiana: What's the worst that could happen?

9) Arizona: No, that's New Mexico you're looking at. Move your finger over a bit.

10) Delaware: Home of The University of Delaware.

11) North Dakota: If you heard about our many tourist attractions, you heard wrong.

12) Texas: Everything's bigger in Texas. Especially the shame of living here.

The 8 Best Excuses For Being Late To Work

1) Thought we were in China, so was like, 20 hours behind.

2) Had to make a stop at the strip club to pick up my wallet.

3) Was under the impression I could show up whenever I wanted to.

4) Had to touch the doorknob and car door 180 times each.

5) Took a long time debating whether or not to bring a gun and go on shooting spree, decided against it for the time being.

6) Got distracted by how much I hate my job.

7) It was raining in Utah, and I was worried it might carry over here.

8) Yeah? Well you try carrying this monkey everywhere!

The Top 8 "Is It Just Me Or..."

1) Did that garbage can just whistle the theme to "Cheers?"

2) Is there a little extra gravity today?

3) Is this house trying to kill us?

4) Does everyone carry a lifetime supply of ketchup in their briefcase?

5) Did y'alls orphan stop breathing, too?

6) Does classical music give everyone gas?

7) Was that genie just a naked guy with a lamp?

8) Did this cult jump the shark for the rest of you?

7 Obscure Magazines That May Actually Exist

1) Soda Aficionado

2) Sunscreen Enthusiast Monthly

3) Professional POG Player

4) Bulgarian-American Housewives Today

5) Modern Mousetrap Mechanic

6) The Official "Eli Stone" Magazine

7) Popular Pockets and Zippers Weekly

10 Great Band Names That Are Still (Probably) Available

1) No Socks in Russia

2) Cultural PowerBall

3) Jenga Suicide Pact

4) 8 Kids From The 80s

5) The Attention Whores

6) The In Crowd

7) UFB (Unidentified Funky Band)

8) Hold The Pickles

9) Spare Change

10) The Robotic Jimmy Stewarts

Top 6 Fake Health Conditions

1) Erronious Anorexia Syndrome: Where your friends all tell you you're anorexic, but really they're just jealous that you're so thin and attractive.

2) MAIDS: Like AIDS, but for midgets.

3) Pyroarthritis: Where your bones feel like they're on fire because you've had such a long day at work, and why the hell is there so much traffic at 7:30 at night for God's sake!?

4) Chronic Aminodigylcacidicism: Too horrifying to explain.

5) MichaelJacksonitis: Where you are Michael Jackson.

6) I'm Not Mad, I'm Just Disappointed Cow Disease: Like "Mad Cow" disease, but only affects mothers.