Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Random Thoughts Posing As A List

1) Unicorns are a pretty dumb fantasy creature. They're just horses with a horn. Big whoop. If that's a fantasy creature, than a rhinoceros without a horn should also be a mythical beast. How majestic.

2) One of the hidden tragedies of Nazi Germany is that the name "Adolf" is now ruined forever. Sure, it sounds like a stupid name now, but who knows, 200 years from now, it could be a good name, except for the fact that Hitler ruined it for everyone. Same deal with that half-a-mustache thing. That's one less facial hair option that we have. Hopefully the next genocidal maniac doesn't have a signature beard, or we'll be left with goatees and almost nothing else.

3) Right now in China, there's a guy eating lunch with his friends, complaining about how everyone in his town is exactly the same, and how he wishes he lived in America where people are different.

4) You'd think you would have to be a smart person to invent a game that hundreds of millions of people play, but whoever invented tic-tac-toe is a freaking moron. Your damn game doesn't work if it ends in a tie every time anyone over four years old plays.

5) The least successful warning of all time must be "these people are professionals, please do not try this at home."

6) Anyone who moves away from the suburbs because they are "too boring" is, ironically, a horribly boring person. If you need to live in a city, and go out every night to a club with flashing lights and music so loud it hurts you ears just to be entertained, you are one hell of a boring person.

7) If a genie had granted you one wish when you were six years old, you'd be living in a house full of legos, and you'd hate yourself right now.

8) If the computer mouse had been called a "rat" instead, we'd all be on typewriters right now.

9) Somewhere there's a warehouse full of No.1 and No.3 pencils, owned by a man who hates the American education system with a fiery passion.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Lesser Known Historical Speeches


1) December 19th, 1945: Harry Truman delivers his controversial, "I bombed Japan just to impress this girl I like" speech on the White House lawn.

2) August 30th, 1977: McDonald's CEO Ray Kroc gets half-way through his, "McDonald's is made of people" speech before he is knocked unconscious by his financial advisor.

3) June 1st, 1960: Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Fuck this shit, I give up" sermon in Mobile, Alabama.

4) March 3rd, 24AD: Jesus Christ's "I know this is going to sound crazy, but here me out" speech to his buddy Dane.

5) October 22nd, 1778: George Washington writes a rough draft of his speech to the British army, entitled "A Compromise: You keep the colonies, I get to be puppet-dictator for life" before reconsidering, and throwing it in the trash.

6) January 18th, 1981: Bob Dylan gives his confessional, "I stole all my song lyrics from a hobo I killed" speech to his dog, Dusty.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Rarely Cited State Laws


1) New Jersey: It is illegal not to mention that you're from here to everyone you meet, regardless of how long you've known them.

2) Washington: If you own more than one house, you may connect your properties via personal monorail at the tax payer's expense.

3) Florida: People with ponytails are required to shower no more than twice per week.

4) Ohio: Oh, you don't want to know this one.

5) South Carolina: You may not drive any faster, or slower, than 48 miles per hour.

6) Iowa: If you suspect your neighbor is an alien, you are legally allowed to anally probe them without a warrant.

7) Maryland: Any property with more than one painting on the walls is an officially recognized museum.

8) Michigan: No one is allowed to question this law.

9) Vermont: Legally speaking, all of your bowel movements are taxable assets.