Good Ideas For Rich People

1) Have all your servants dress like cops, tell them to phrase everything they say as if they're in a police drama, and make them call you "Chief."

"Chief, we've got a situation on our hands down in the kitchen. It's pretty bad... I think you should come down here."

Whenever they do a poor job cleaning your bathroom, or cooking your food, you can call them into your office and tell them that you won't have one of your men go rogue, and that you're tired of their loose-cannon act.

2) Whenever a guest leaves a room, have your servants change all the paintings and furniture in the room before you bring the guest back to that room.

3) Have a full orchestra play out on your lawn at all times. When guests ask if that's expensive, you say, "It is expensive. But only because I kill one player at random whenever I hear a flat note."

4) Buy all of the milk in your county. Whenever it gets into the grocery store, have one of your servants buy it all out so that no one else can get any.

5) Rent out an amusement park for the entire day, insist that all the employees still come to work, then spend the whole day in the arcade playing skee-ball.

6) Buy a large company and then intentionally run it into the ground. For example, if you were to buy a fast food company, you would start selling celery sticks, and only celery sticks. But you wouldn't advertise that, or change the menu at all. If someone orders a hamburger, they get celery sticks. A combo meal is celery sticks with a side of celery sticks, and a cup filled with celery sticks. All your employees must keep a straight face while they work.

7) Take out large ads in national circulation newspapers for products and or businesses that do not exist. Then, people will start looking on the internet for rocket shoes, or whatever it is you fake-invented, and will go crazy when they can't find them.

8) Make a statue or yourself pulling your pants down that is so large, it can be seen from miles away. If you have enough money, make it so large that it is visible from outer space.

9) Make all your servants get plastic surgery to look just like you.

10) Steal Christmas.

Worst Possible Lists

1) Iowa's hottest vacation spots.

2) Best Wayans brothers movies.

3) Cities named Pittsburgh.

4) Funniest letters of the alphabet.

5) Active dandruff shampoo ingredients.

6) Most effective ways to tell someone you think they might be turning into a werewolf.

7) Coolest pre-school fashion trends.

8) Tastiest puppies.

9) Best award show hosts.

10) Places you've used public toilets.

11) Women who would look like men if they had more manly haircuts.

Future Seaseme Street Characters

1) Terry the Toilet: Teaches kids that using the toilet is easy and fun.

2) Big Pájaro: Big Bird's Colombian half-brother.

3) Kevin: Just a normal guy who fills whatever racial slot the show is missing at the moment.

4) Arnold: Mean bookie who chops off Bert's thumbs to teach kids a lesson about gambling.

5) Sneaky: A lovable goof of a ninja. Our research tells us kids like ninjas.

6) Corpsey: A dead body that Grover finds in a back alley. Helps kids learn that death is a natural part of life, and it's best not to poke dead bodies with sticks.

7) Plastic Surgery Monster: Just like Cookie Monster, but instead of cookies, has an insatiable desire to look better. "'N' is for nose, it's small enough for me."

Robot Ideas

1) The Inside Joke 3000: This robot will feel like one of your oldest friends once you program it to repeat all your inside jokes to you. With a handy remote control, the IJ3K will be reminding you about that time Keith stole the teacher's lunch every time you press 'play.'

2) Hobo-bot: Ever have one of those awkward moments when a homeless person asks you for money, and since there are other people around, you can't kick it and run away? Worry no longer. With the hobo-bot, your days of living with hobophobia are over. Simply attach the hobo-bot to the roof of your car, or carry it around on a sling to provide hobo protection 24/7. Whenever a hobo is about to approach, the hobo-bot activates and sends out a ultra high frequency sound that only hobos can hear. Hearing the sound will temporarily paralyze* any and all hobos within a four block radius so you will be free to stroll along without having to lie that you "don't carry change" on you.

3) Conscious-o-matic: Ever feel really bad after hurting someone's feelings? Few of us do. That's why there's the new Conscious-o-matic. This revolutionary robot will make you feel guilty about all the terrible things that you do during the course of a regular day. Right after you make fun of that guy in the wheelchair, the CoM will nag you with guilt until you feel so terrible that you wish you were never born, or at least hadn't thrown that tomato at the mentally challenged kid in your fourth grade class. Comes complete with sound effects of starving children for when you throw away perfectly good food.

4) Giant Robot-Dragon Friend: Is what it sounds like. Seems like it would be a pretty cool robot to have.

5) Pregnant Wife Robot: Never drive 20 mph over the speed limit without it. This robot looks exactly like a pregnant woman, so if you're pulled over for speeding, you can say you're on the way to the hospital because your wife is having a baby. Available in silver or metallic gray.


*May cause death.

Random Thoughts Posing As A List

1) Unicorns are a pretty dumb fantasy creature. They're just horses with a horn. Big whoop. If that's a fantasy creature, than a rhinoceros without a horn should also be a mythical beast. How majestic.

2) One of the hidden tragedies of Nazi Germany is that the name "Adolf" is now ruined forever. Sure, it sounds like a stupid name now, but who knows, 200 years from now, it could be a good name, except for the fact that Hitler ruined it for everyone. Same deal with that half-a-mustache thing. That's one less facial hair option that we have. Hopefully the next genocidal maniac doesn't have a signature beard, or we'll be left with goatees and almost nothing else.

3) Right now in China, there's a guy eating lunch with his friends, complaining about how everyone in his town is exactly the same, and how he wishes he lived in America where people are different.

4) You'd think you would have to be a smart person to invent a game that hundreds of millions of people play, but whoever invented tic-tac-toe is a freaking moron. Your damn game doesn't work if it ends in a tie every time anyone over four years old plays.

5) The least successful warning of all time must be "these people are professionals, please do not try this at home."

6) Anyone who moves away from the suburbs because they are "too boring" is, ironically, a horribly boring person. If you need to live in a city, and go out every night to a club with flashing lights and music so loud it hurts you ears just to be entertained, you are one hell of a boring person.

7) If a genie had granted you one wish when you were six years old, you'd be living in a house full of legos, and you'd hate yourself right now.

8) If the computer mouse had been called a "rat" instead, we'd all be on typewriters right now.

9) Somewhere there's a warehouse full of No.1 and No.3 pencils, owned by a man who hates the American education system with a fiery passion.

Lesser Known Historical Speeches

1) December 19th, 1945: Harry Truman delivers his controversial, "I bombed Japan just to impress this girl I like" speech on the White House lawn.

2) August 30th, 1977: McDonald's CEO Ray Kroc gets half-way through his, "McDonald's is made of people" speech before he is knocked unconscious by his financial advisor.

3) June 1st, 1960: Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Fuck this shit, I give up" sermon in Mobile, Alabama.

4) March 3rd, 24AD: Jesus Christ's "I know this is going to sound crazy, but here me out" speech to his buddy Dane.

5) October 22nd, 1778: George Washington writes a rough draft of his speech to the British army, entitled "A Compromise: You keep the colonies, I get to be puppet-dictator for life" before reconsidering, and throwing it in the trash.

6) January 18th, 1981: Bob Dylan gives his confessional, "I stole all my song lyrics from a hobo I killed" speech to his dog, Dusty.

Rarely Cited State Laws

1) New Jersey: It is illegal not to mention that you're from here to everyone you meet, regardless of how long you've known them.

2) Washington: If you own more than one house, you may connect your properties via personal monorail at the tax payer's expense.

3) Florida: People with ponytails are required to shower no more than twice per week.

4) Ohio: Oh, you don't want to know this one.

5) South Carolina: You may not drive any faster, or slower, than 48 miles per hour.

6) Iowa: If you suspect your neighbor is an alien, you are legally allowed to anally probe them without a warrant.

7) Maryland: Any property with more than one painting on the walls is an officially recognized museum.

8) Michigan: No one is allowed to question this law.

9) Vermont: Legally speaking, all of your bowel movements are taxable assets.

Superpowers: From Most to Least Desired

1) Ability to fly.

2) Extraordinary strength.

3) Super speed.

4) Being really good at guessing the temperature.

5) Ability to shape shift, but only into the shape of a spoon, and it's difficult to change back.

6) Not getting sick after eating lots of oreos, but other cookies can still make you feel sick.

7) Having a really long name.

Possible Future Trends

1) Leaving your pants unzipped.

2) Only pronouncing the first three letters of every word you say.

3) Walking around with a pencil on the side of your ear.

4) Catholic priest collars.

5) Hard hats.

6) Sitting in really big chairs.

7) Dressing like wild animals.

8) Liking bad music (guaranteed.)

Questions Not To Ask On A Job Interview

1) If you die, will I get your job?

2) What exactly is your nap-time policy?

3) How often am I allowed to show up late?

4) Equal Opportunity Employment covers sex offenders, correct?

5) That black guy I saw when I walked in, he doesn't actually work here, does he?

6) How much more money per week do you pay when compared to Unemployment?

7) If I skip a few casual Fridays, can I save it all up for one really casual Friday?

Advantages Of Being Homeless

1) No one ever engages you in small talk.

2) You never need to go furniture shopping.

3) You never get asked to donate money to charity.

4) You can drink as much as you want without worrying about having to drive home.

5) You never have to wake up to an alarm clock.

6) Cops don't scare you because going to jail is actually an upgrade.

7) You save a lot of money on soap.

Unsung Heroes

1) The guy who stands up on the bus/metro when there's an empty seat next to you.

2) Anyone weird looking who is standing near you when you fart. Who do you think will get blamed for that one?

3) The person in front of you at the grocery store who buys way too much junk food. Suddenly, your cart isn't looking so bad.

4) The guy who asks the really awkward question that you wished you could ask someone. "So, how exactly did you get that giant scar on your face?"

5) The person driving in front of you who brakes a traffic law that you were considering breaking. "Well, I guess it's ok to make a U-turn here if that guy did it."

Elements Of A Good Excuse

1) Start building it ahead of time. If you get invited to a party on Monday, and it takes place on Saturday, you're going to want to tell people you're aunt died on Wednesday. If she dies on Saturday morning, they're not going to have the funeral that night.

2) Choose your sickness wisely. Instead of saying you have a headache, say you have "migraines." It's not a sore throat, it's "strep." Food poisoning is a good sickness, but be sure to say the specific food that made you sick and add "I knew it would happen, too. I don't know why I keep eating there."

3) Try to blame the excuse on someone else. "I'd love to go, but that asshole boss of mine is making me work tonight." It sounds a lot better than "I'd love to go, but I have to work." That sounds like you made it up.

4) The more elaborate, the better. At least, to a degree. "I couldn't make it on time because I had a flat tire, and I called AAA, but they took forever to get here because there was an accident" sounds more believable than "my car broke down and I tried to walk here in time, but I was mugged."

5) Use what people know about you as part of your story. If you're a big sports fan, you can say you can't go to a wedding because you bought tickets to a big game in another city, and you already paid for the hotel and everything. Oddly enough, the more people know about you, the easier it is to lie to them.

6) If for some reason you have procrastinated on your excuse making, and need to lie at the last possible second, say you're on you're way there, but you got lost. Then, call every thirty minutes saying you're still lost, but you think you've found your way back onto the highway. Yes, you will look like an idiot, but you also won't have to watch your friend's stupid kid play the piano, or whatever the hell they invited you to go do.

Best Reasons For Not Updating Your Blog

1) Currently trapped in a hedge maze.

2) Felt blog gave away too much information to The Feds.

3) Developed severe origofriphobia (fear of lists.)

4) Disappointed that blogging life is not as glamorous as previously thought.

5) Read somewhere in the Bible that blogging would send you to hell.

6) Something about taking classes at night? Probably just a front for your laziness.

Nation's Most Common News Stories 2000-2008

1) A celebrity wore a new hat.

2) Some little kid overcame a disability to do something you don't care about.

3) Blah blah terrorism blah blah.

4) The economy is in shambles! (But we're secretly enjoying it.)

5) An attractive lady was kidnapped.

6) Boy, there are a lot of fat people around here, aren't there?

7) There's something terrible going on in a place you never heard of, but you should feel awful about it.