1) Unicorns are a pretty dumb fantasy creature. They're just horses with a horn. Big whoop. If that's a fantasy creature, than a rhinoceros without a horn should also be a mythical beast. How majestic.
2) One of the hidden tragedies of Nazi Germany is that the name "Adolf" is now ruined forever. Sure, it sounds like a stupid name now, but who knows, 200 years from now, it could be a good name, except for the fact that Hitler ruined it for everyone. Same deal with that half-a-mustache thing. That's one less facial hair option that we have. Hopefully the next genocidal maniac doesn't have a signature beard, or we'll be left with goatees and almost nothing else.
3) Right now in China, there's a guy eating lunch with his friends, complaining about how everyone in his town is exactly the same, and how he wishes he lived in America where people are different.
4) You'd think you would have to be a smart person to invent a game that hundreds of millions of people play, but whoever invented tic-tac-toe is a freaking moron. Your damn game doesn't work if it ends in a tie every time anyone over four years old plays.
5) The least successful warning of all time must be "these people are professionals, please do not try this at home."
6) Anyone who moves away from the suburbs because they are "too boring" is, ironically, a horribly boring person. If you need to live in a city, and go out every night to a club with flashing lights and music so loud it hurts you ears just to be entertained, you are one hell of a boring person.
7) If a genie had granted you one wish when you were six years old, you'd be living in a house full of legos, and you'd hate yourself right now.
8) If the computer mouse had been called a "rat" instead, we'd all be on typewriters right now.
9) Somewhere there's a warehouse full of No.1 and No.3 pencils, owned by a man who hates the American education system with a fiery passion.